clarity and perspective

The week in Japan came and went in a flash. It was the best thing I did for myself - the gift of whisking yourself away from a busy life, to take time out and truly reflect.

In all honesty, I landed in Tokyo feeling miserable, silently cursing myself for booking a solo trip on such last minute impulse. And to a country where I didn't know the language or public transport routes. But deep down I knew, that somehow, it was exactly where I was supposed to be. Perhaps to be jolted out of my comfort zone and infuse a jaded spirit with a new sense of adventure. That sense of wonder, childlike curiosity, and a thirst for life. Precious treasures to hold dear.

And I tasted life, brimming with briny umami goodness inspired by copious amounts of uni and otoro, so fresh you could taste the sea in those explosive mouthfuls.

Life is strange that way. you think you know it all hurtling in one direction. But no - the universe pulls you aside and whispers fleeting hints of something bigger. And sometimes bestowing unparalleled generosity with secret glimpses of what is to come. For your whole world to crack open and reveal the conspiracy to bring you exactly where you are meant to be.

The three big things that happened -- meeting with an old friend whom we know as an enlightened soul, an evening with a new friend on a round the world adventure, and a quiet weekend away in Hakone.

The enlightened soul nourished my soul over dinner. He spoke right to my spirit and together, we pulled at that one knot that unravelled the other knots. Through him, I finally saw - and understand - what I was and who I really am. With the questions from the past three years finally answered, I felt free. It was the most beautiful feeling in the world.

And I left Tokyo with a profound sense of clarity and gratitude. Two weeks on, it's been taking on a new positive attitude - at work and shaping my personal relationships in ways I didn't think possible.
I've never slept better or felt better in years.

In all of 32 years, it finally feels like I'm ready to live. And ink a brand new chapter henceforth,

another dollar, another day

today's a rare day where i'm spending the morning by myself at home - coffee and quiet contemplations. life's been hectic and i haven't had much time away for myself. almost forgot the beauty in such simple comforts.

i just remembered this space exists and i came here to write, dusting off the proverbial cobwebs. and i almost forgot how cathartic writing could be.

this time tomor, i'll be in japan for a week.

it's one of those days where you just wake up feeling really drained and tired. here's a huge part of me that feels empty and wonders, what else is there?

life has given me everything i thought i wanted. but am i happy? no.

i'm tired, burnt out, restless and need a break for a while. wish i could go somewhere someplace and just live. and i should be slapped crazy for feeling this way when there's so much to be thankful about.

some days, i wish i could leave the responsible adult behind. pack up and leave, rent out my place, sell my things, travel the world, re-learn what it means to be free and happy.

get in touch with my heart. and perhaps, learn to love again.

unexpected love

they say love can knock on your door unexpectedly when you're aren't expecting a visitor. i couldn't agree more.

i've been single since my last relationship - short-lived disastrous one - ended last April. life's been busy with work, new projects, doing up my home, spending time with good friends, reaffirming my relationship with God, and doing my own thing. it was a happy productive kind of busy.

at 30, i realise relationships are only one part of life and it's perfectly okay to be alone. being alone doesn't equate to being lonely. but when you're with someone and feel lonelier than ever craving your own space, then you know it's time to leave. 

there have been a couple of interesting people, a few dates here and there - but i guess I've been holding out for that certain spark, that certain something. you know it when you know it. 

and perhaps, because i was happy and fulfilled on my own, that the magic happened. 

earlier this year, over lunch with a friend from church, she asked if she could introduce me to her friend. he's been working overseas for the past few years and recently relocated back. 

a couple of months later, we met up for dinner. dinner became drinks. at the end of the night, it was hard to leave, because we still had so much to say. and it's been that way ever since. 

and i suppose that's some magic in itself :)

an awesome kind of happy

so we moved in and called this place home in Jan. things weren't finished and there were bits hanging, and pieces to be fixed. but we were happy. that sort of happy is such an awesome new feeling, i don't even have the words for it.

fast forward a crazy busy first half of the year. the months just flew by - i blinked, and next thing i knew, we're whizzing by August. 

i've been spending time in Europe and China, and it'll be Sydney for Christmas with family there - but unlike the past travels, this time i can't wait to come back. to sit on my sofa and heave a sigh knowing i am truly home. and resist the urge to doze off.

and come home to love.

what next?

i've been so caught up in work and financial security the last 3 years, i forgot about myself. i forget what it means to have fun, to be happy and to play. i forget what it feels like to feel real emotions. i hate to admit this, i don't recognize the person i've become sometimes.

for a while, i thought accumulating enough would bring me to my goal of buying a house. i did it and i felt empty. there was nothing more to look forward to. i was as depleted as the numbers in my bank account. 

i thought about what might bring me real happiness. when it's different strokes for different folks, it's about first understanding yourself - who you are and how you function as a person. 

as a goal-driven achievement-oriented workaholic, i perform best when i am fully engaged in doing something. i need goals to strike off in order to function - groping in the dark drives me nuts. so i've been back to the drawing board -- churning up a new set of goals, new timelines and new plans ahead. 

- giving back: working with youths from underprivileged, dysfunctional homes through creative writing classes. 

- writing: working on my own column and as a contributor. 

- travel experiences: once things are more settled, it's time to flex those idle miles. no concrete plans, but tokyo, nepal and london sound good. and i want to take my grandparents somewhere they want.

- investment classes: fine-tuning my investment strategy and stock picks. rebuild my blue-chip portfolio and retirement fund. i intend to retire by 50, and that's 20 years to plan ahead for :)

and just when you think you know it, your world cracks open to let life in.

home shopping day: choosing tiles

on leave friday for a bout of massive shopping!

in a surprising turn of events, the interior designer i wanted to work with much earlier came back. i'm only too happy to hand the project over and have him manage the coordination and timelines. we negotiated, i waited a week, and the rest was history! :))

lesson learnt: we should all focus on what we do best. he's the best person for the job, and i can spend my time better on work and personal projects. YAYY!!


what kind of flooring?
the floors contribute to the overall look and feel of a house. it took me a long time to decide if i wanted to overlay the current flooring with luxury vinyl or laminate, or if i should hack out everything to relay with new tiles.

in the end, i decided on a complete overhaul - tearing down and gutting the whole place - for a brand new shell to call my first home. every single wall tile and floor tile hacked, all the pipes replaced, and the wall hacked for a more open concept.


envisioning the look and feel
i confess, i kinda did it backwards. however, the tangled mess of ideas was important in achieving clarity - narrowing down what you like and dreaming up creative solutions how to rock the space you have!

before deciding on the flooring, it's important to know your style and color preferences. while furniture shopping, i realize my color preferences extend to largely matte whites, glossy white finishes, and light to medium wood tones, with bold color in small doses. i also love Kartell's Ghostbuster range of clear acrylic pieces and edgy galvanized steel stuff.


tile selection
given these color preferences and taste profiles, a cool palette of greys would work best.

i love the industrial look and feel, but can't handle the hairline cracks and chips that are part and parcel of concrete. i also wanted something low maintenance, functional and lasting.

the brilliant alternative: matt homogenous tiles with a running pattern, that gives a natural cement screed look and a more polished canvas. for a more seamless blanket finish, i've also asked for colored grey grouting instead of the usual white/black lines.

Decisions, decisions! 50 shades of grey to choose from! 

Narrowed down to 2 - a lighter tone, and a slightly darker tone with more running definition.

Best way to decide: get a few actual tile slabs and lay it on the ground for a better visual spread. I choose the darker tile for a more textured finish against white streamlined walls. This will be the flooring for my living spaces and rooms - the perfect backdrop for splashes of color, bold art pieces and statement furniture pieces :))

Bathroom flooring: deciding between a medium grey and a dark slate non-slip tile with a rough 'pebbled' finish. Set against the grey floor tiles, i picked the darker tile to add more character and a bolder contrast.

in a small space, it helps to employ similar color tones to visually "open up" the space. here's my final selection of 3 shades - a juxtaposition of the edgy industrial vibes and modern flair - for a simple, polished look i'm able to build upon.

house to home: creating spaces

it's important to have functional spaces. it's about knowing yourself as a person, your current lifestyle and future plans, it's easy to create little nooks you'd love going home to!

here are some spaces i seek to create:

a space to teach

for a while, i've been thinking about giving back - by running creative writing classes for children from underprivileged, dysfunctional homes. after all, it wasn't too long ago that i was a rebellious dyslexic kid who wrote from right to left, and didn't know my 9 from 6, or p from q :) for this, i'm turning walls and doors into whiteboard space. as a kid, i was caned for drawing on walls. as an adult, i get to do it anytime!

a space to work 

this is where my bookshelves are, within easy reach of a long table. it's a quiet corner to compose my thoughts in my head and write. crunch through corporate annual reports, plan my next trades and investments, and scribble numbers on walls. 

a space to cook and clean

the kitchen - two rows of kitchen cabinets with generous bench top space within a small compact kitchen with a separate laundry area. i'm now deciding between a full open concept, or one with full-panel glass doors.  

a space to host 

i'd love to have close friends come over for dinner and drinks, where i'd dole out diarrhea cook and open bottles of wine. i'd also love to open my house up for cell group meetings and gatherings. this means enough accessible floor space for walking and sitting.

a space for rest

bedrooms - a good firm mattress is a must. i hope it won't be a case of falling asleep on books and my MacBook next to me.

a space for being a woman

i have more clothes and shoes than i know what to do with. plus it needs a full length mirror… plus winter clothes and a whole lot of other stuff in the storeroom. you never know what you have until it's time to move!

... to be continued :)